Saying good-bye has been a big part of my life. Some could even call it a talent. I would like to blame my dysfunction on my past but perhaps it is just a part of me. Whatever the case, I am not good at staying in touch. My friendships serve a purpose for the time but when life moves on, so do I. That is not meant to sound callous, it is self preservation. I think one heart can only be hurt so many times before you work even harder to protect it. As a result there are few people from my past with whom I keep in touch. It doesn't mean I don't love those who have played roles in my life. It is just that I don't know how to handle old relationship in new circumstances. As a result when old friends call I usually decline invitations to get together. I am afraid they have changed or I have changed. What if they don't like me anymore? My insecurity wins and I feel like I have control. How sad!
But things change. Thanks to my loving and much wiser husband I accepted an invitation. Last night I went out with three of my college roommates. We were roommates all through college and only moved out when one got married or went on a church mission. Being the youngest, by the time I came home from a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, they were all married and starting families. When I saw them I didn't feel like I fit in. I was different. We had grown apart. Since then I have married and had children but I have still felt unsure if I would fit in. They don't get together often but I still worried, what if they don't like me any more? I knew we had all changed and what if the gap was just too big to cross.
I learned a valuable lesson last night as I laughed harder than I have in too long. You will always love the ones you have loved. Yes life has changed us and yes I felt insecure when we met and they were as beautiful as ever but what has happened in our lives does not change how we feel about each other. It does not matter if life has found us rich or poor, thin or not so thin (they are all still tiny... so unfair). What matters is I am a better person because I knew them and my life will be sweeter if I keep them in it. We often remark to let those we love know it when we loose someone we love. I was blessed to learn this before it was too late. So my New Year's resolution is to open my heart. I hope you will too. This world needs more love.
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7 comments:
We are very similar in that regard. My best friend from high school and I were attached at the hip for 4 years and now we don't speak at all. An occasional email and that's it. So sad. I'm so glad you got to reconnect, it's SO NICE to get together with old friends when you're a mom--the friends who knew you when you were Jen and not when you were Mom.
Hi Jen! Of course I don't mind that you found my blog- I am happy to see yours too. Cute kids!
Just checking
Okay, blogger ate my last comment, so I wanted to make sure it was working before I typed the entire thing again.
I too am thrilled you decided to come. What a great evening with some of the greatest girls I have ever known, grown into the greatest ladies. Yeah, we're ladies now. When Darron sleepily asked if I had a good time, when I rolled into bed at midnight, I had a hard time not shouting "YES!" But it was a subdued "YES!" I am so happy to have reconnected.
Jen, every time I see YOU (sadly, not often enough) I think you are as beautiful as ever! One of the most beautiful women I have ever known, as a matter of fact. Just thought you should know that!
I feel that way too much too! I'm proud of you though - it does feel soo nice to reconnect and remember who you were and who that has helped you become ;-)
See... and I'm usually the opposite. I hang onto people that don't hang on... so I have been broken hearted LOTS!! Maybe we need to rub off on each other and somehow find a happy medium!! ;)
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